Happy New Year

Why do I tend to think in terms of endings and not beginnings? What if I could look back and see this past year as half full instead of half empty? What if I could see this new year as full of growth, new creations, new hopes and dreams coming to fulfillment? And when the new trials come, (for they will most certainly come, in a kaleidoscope of shapes and sizes, sometimes in a trickle, sometimes in a torrential downpour) what if I could see them not as failures, not as obstacles, but as the very stepping stones that are leading me onward, upward, homeward? Further up, further in. 

The past year is laid out behind me. I see the shadows that covered parts, the rays of sunshine that lit my way in others. And I see, even on the cloudy days, the sun was shining the whole time. Hidden, perhaps, but always burning bright, hot. I see the new year laid out before me. I feel my fears rising. What is hiding under those clouds? Will this next year be hard, will there be more struggle than peace? Will I be ready for it?

But what if I could see the year as half full instead of half empty? 

I see the sun today. What if I could always remember it's there? He's there. And live like it.

What if?

I've been around long enough to know that a new calendar year is not enough to give me hope. But I've been around long enough to know who really can give me a solid, intrepid hope. And so I'm ready for this next year. I tilt my face upwards, to feel the warmth.

Rebekah

(Merry Christmas, Bekah! I figured that, as a writer, you'd appreciate the gift of words.)

Once upon a time there lived a girl. She was quiet, never one to draw attention to herself.  She tended to watch, to observe the people around her. Her eyes were what you might call "soulful." Blue-gray, poetic as the ocean after a rainstorm and just as deep.

This girl wasn't like most other girls, for inside her chest, at that place where her beating heart and living soul intersected, there was a light. Imagine a flashlight in a dark room or a ray of sun bouncing off the lake at sunset. Now stop imagining that any light that we've seen can compare to what shone from this girl.

She loved to share this light. Sometimes she would use her camera to snap photographs and on each image you could see a glimmer, a glow of radiance that mirrored her own shimmering beam. Other times she would use words to create new worlds and these creations sparkled like stars on a crisp, clear night.

Her hands were beautiful, ready to serve, to help, to heal what she could. Her arms, always ready to embrace a hurting soul, her lips, speaking truths and comforts.

You may think that I am describing a fairy tale princess or perhaps a queen from some mythical land far, far away. But no, this creature lives here in our world. She lives in and amid the darkness, the pain, and the tears. But that is why her light is so dazzling, so needed. The brightness in her chest was placed there by her King and every day, she goes out, ready to send its beams to the dark corners of this broken universe.

I've known this girl for years and, amazingly, her light keeps growing with each passing moment. It has touched my own soul. In this corner of the big, messy world, I see hope rising and taking over. This girl, this ordinary, but faithful girl, has brightened my life, my own little messy world. She's a gift. And I thank the Father of Lights for her and for her brilliant light.  

Isaiah 11

Malachi saw a hawk in our yard yesterday morning. I excitedly ran to get my camera while he watched it from our kitchen window. As I came back into the kitchen, he ran to me, tears in his eyes. "It's eating a baby bird!" he sobbed.  A quick glance out the window at the storm of feathers scattering on the snow told me he was right. One of the fat sparrows that enjoy our feeder and bring smiles to our faces with their antics had become the meal of a hungry raptor. The logical adult in me was ready to explain to him how this was the natural order of life and how that bird had to die so another could live and that's just how life works. But then I remembered. That's not how life is supposed to work. We weren't supposed to have to kill each other to survive. We were meant to live in symbiotic harmony, not in a linear food chain.

How is it we forget that? How have we become so hardened to this death- so used to life submitting to decay, beauty fading away, and temporary being the norm? Don't we say we have eternal life in us? How can we, who taste the perfection of eternity every time we sit in God's presence, see the vicious tearing of flesh as acceptable, as normal?

I understand that right now, this is how our world works. I understand that Yahweh was the first to slice flesh and watch the blood drain out. I understand that we cannot shy away from this wretched truth that slaps us every morning and chills our bones every night. But let's not embrace this condition as reality. Our reality is life- true life. No more killings. No more goodbyes. Just life. A permanent world- not this ephemeral vapor that I see out my window. Let's hold on the horror that death brings. But as we do, let's not let it paralyze us, rather let this grim world lift our gaze to the one who has conquered our bitter foe. Life is coming, I can see it rushing toward us, all the more bright in this thick darkness.

I held Malachi and I cried with him. Don't lose your hatred of death, little man. Hold on to the horror. Because true life is as beautiful as we imagine it might be. We are destined for a far better world than this one.

If We Were There: an Advent Story

To our precious children. May this story always bring you to your knees.

The early morning sun peeked through the crack under the door and shone into Lily's half closed eyes. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to go back to sleep for a few more minutes, but the sounds from the kitchen told her that her mother was already up and working and she knew she needed to get started on her chores. She looked down at her little sister, still sleeping soundly next to her. Zoe was only four years old and was allowed to sleep in. Lily felt her heart start to complain, but said a quick prayer instead and gave her chubby sister a gentle kiss on her cheek. "Time to get started on another busy day," thought Lily as she got up off the large mat her family used as their bed.  She yawned and headed toward the kitchen.

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"The dew seems extra cold this morning," thought Malachi to himself. He was huddled by the fire his father had made in the middle of the field. All around him, sheep were grazing, bleating, and munching on wet grass. He had been so excited the day his father told him he was finally old enough to be out in the fields all night with the other shepherds. Now he wasn't so sure this was as fun as he had imagined. His father and another shepherd were walking toward him, talking quietly to each other. Both men sat down and started preparing a simple breakfast of hard cakes and dried fruit. Malachi stretched and got up to give his father a hug.

"What was that for, son?" his father asked with a smile.

"I'm just happy to be here with you, Father. That's all." And he realized he really was.

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All around, sleepy travelers were taking down tents and putting out cooking fires. Evangeline sat and rubbed her feet while she watched her parents preparing for the day's journey. They had already been on the road for two days and Evangeline's feet were sore and dirty. She kept asking her mother why they had to make this long trip to Bethlehem.  "Because," her mother explained, "we have to add our names to the census. Everyone does. And since Bethlehem was where your father was born, Bethlehem is where we will go."

Her sandals were starting to get worn down and one of the straps looked ready to snap.  She sighed and carefully put them back on her aching feet. Just then her father came up behind her and lifted her up onto his shoulders. "Good news, little daughter! We should arrive tonight! No more sleeping on hard ground for us; tonight we lodge in the finest inn we can find!" Evangeline laughed and clapped her hands.

"Now, quick, go help your mother finish packing." She ran off with a smile. Tonight their hard journey would be over.

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Zoe wandered into the kitchen just as Lily came through carrying clean bed linens. "Oof! Careful, Zoe!" Lily managed to not bump into her sister, but just barely. "Why don't you go play outside?"

Everyone in her family was always busy these days. Zoe tried to understand that her parents and sister had a lot of work to do, but she just wanted to play with them. She didn't know why so many people were staying at their inn all at once. She saw her father working in the stable and walked over. She didn't like the smell of the animals, but she wanted to ask her father a question. "Daddy, why are there so many people here?"

Her father smiled at her. "It's because of the census, little one. Remember when I told you everyone has to go back to their hometown and be counted? Well, everyone who comes here to Bethlehem needs a place to stay. And what better place than our beautiful inn?" He winked at her. "Now come here and fill this old cow's manger with fresh hay while I muck out her stall." Zoe wrinkled her nose, but did as her father asked. "Here you go, cow," she said as she heaped the hay into the old feeding trough, "I hope you're hungry."

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It was getting dark and Evangeline felt ready to fall asleep as she walked. "Are we almost there?" she asked her mother yet again.

"Almost, sweetie." Her mother looked just about as tired as Evangeline felt. She could see lights up ahead. They were nearly to Bethlehem and  everyone in the caravan was ready to stop their long journey and find a bed.

After what felt like an eternity, Evangeline's little family reached the city and came to the first inn they could find. Her father went inside while Evangeline and her mother stayed outside with all their luggage. Evangeline looked around her. "So this is Bethlehem," she thought. "I'm not so sure I'd like to live in a place that's this busy." Her father came back looking discouraged. He spoke with her mother in a low voice while her mother sighed and wearily closed her eyes. Evangeline could tell something was wrong, but she knew better than to ask questions at that moment. Her dad looked at her and then forced a smile. 

"Well, how's this for a surprise? We get to sleep in a stable tonight! How fun! Shall we pretend we are adventurers from long ago, caravanning with our livestock? Or perhaps we can pretend we are animals ourselves!" He sounded  lively, but Evangeline could tell he was doing it for her sake. Her mother looked close to tears. They picked up their belongings and walked wearily toward the stable behind the inn.

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Lily watched as her mother had to turn yet another family away from their inn. "We're sorry, but we don't have any more rooms. We even have guests sleeping in our own living quarters. You are welcome to bed down in our stables for the night, though. My husband keeps them clean and in good order. I'm so sorry. All the inns are full tonight, but at least this way you'll have a roof over your head. Please let me know if I can get anything for you. Goodnight."

Zoe tugged at Lily's sleeve. "What's wrong, Lily?" she asked with wide eyes. "Oh, nothing. I just feel bad for those travelers. They look really tired." She looked at the family walking slowly away from the inn. There was a little girl who looked about ready to drop from fatigue. Lily had an idea. "Hey, Zoe, let's gather all our extra blankets and take them out to the people in the stable to make them more comfortable." Then she realized all their blankets were already being used by guests. "Um, well, how about we get our other clothes and maybe we can find some rags somewhere. I'm sure anything would be better than just scratchy hay."

The two girls hurried off to find as much soft cloth as they could. Zoe giggled as she thought about sleeping next to a cow. Then she thought about how bad their cow smelled and stopped giggling. "Maybe we should give them something to cover their noses," she said as she wiggled her own. "Our stables are stinky with poo. Who wants to sleep next to poo? Yuck!"

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It had been a long day of walking and watching sheep. Malachi had hoped for some excitement like a lion trying to get one of the sheep, but he had no such luck. All was quiet as he got ready for another night of sleeping under the stars. His father had gone on ahead to scout out a different field a few miles away and wouldn't be back until morning. Malachi felt very grown up as he sat by the fire listening to the other shepherds tell stories of the things they had seen in their years of herding sheep. Some of the men were quite old and had seen some incredible things, though Malachi suspected that their stories were a little dressed up and exaggerated. Not that he minded, of course. They were good stories and Malachi loved a good story.

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The stables were indeed stinky as Evangeline's family tried to arrange the hay into a makeshift bed. She was trying hard to not be grumpy, but it was hard. A cow lowed a few feet away and startled her. Then she heard something else. It sounded like someone crying. There were a few other people in the stable with her family, all trying to get a good night's sleep, so Evangeline tried to be quiet as she tiptoed away from her parents toward the furthest corner of the stable. She peered through the darkness and saw a woman lying on the hay, moaning and clutching her belly. At first Evangeline thought the woman must be sick, but then she noticed how big her belly was. "Oh! She's going to have a baby!" Evangeline realized.  Just then, a man appeared and rushed over to the woman. He held a cup to the woman's lips and helped her drink from it. Evangeline heard him speaking softly to the woman, but she couldn't make out the words. The woman started weeping as she rocked back and forth in pain.

Suddenly, her mother's voice called in a loud whisper, "Evangeline! Where are you?" She crept softly back to her parents. There were two girls standing by her mother holding a motley assortment of rags, old tunics, and stained cloths. They were offering these to her mother to use as bed linens. The smaller girl looked at Evangeline.  "Hi," she said with her fingers in her mouth, "my name is Zoe and this is my sister Lily. Who are you?"

Evangeline smiled and replied, "I'm Evangeline. Thanks for the blankets, but I think maybe there's a woman over there who needs them more than we do."

Lily walked over to the woman lying on the ground and gently laid the pile of cloth down beside her. The man looked at her gratefully and started putting rags under the woman's head to cushion her. She tried to open her mouth to give her thanks, but shut it quickly and grimaced with pain. Tears streamed down her face and soaked the crudely made pillow.

Lily hurried back to Evangeline's family. "What's wrong with her?" Lily asked Evangeline's mother.

"Oh, there's nothing wrong, dear," she replied gently. "Her child must be born and there's only one way for that to happen." She looked over at the careworn couple on the ground, "She just needs time. She'll be okay."

Zoe covered her eyes and pressed up against Lily. She didn't like seeing anybody in pain. "Let's go inside, Lily. I'm sleepy." Lily looked at Zoe and tried to give her a smile. "Sorry, Zoe, Mother says we need to sleep out here tonight, too. There's no more room inside. Here, I saved your favorite blanket for you." She held out a small woolen blanket that was coming unraveled at the edges. "It'll be fun- like a little adventure!"

Zoe didn't look convinced, but she took the blanket and laid it on a clean patch of hay. "Will you snuggle me, Lily?" Lily looked at Evangeline and the two girls shared a smile. "Okay, Zoe, I'm coming. Goodnight, Evangeline. I'm glad we got to meet you."

The smells of the stable seemed to lessen as exhaustion took over. Lily wrapped her arms around Zoe as the girls drifted off to sleep on a bed of hay. Evangeline tried to get comfortable on her own strange mattress. The sounds of the woman in labor continued on. Evangeline whispered a prayer, "Oh, Yahweh, please make that baby get born soon. Please keep this mother safe and please make her stop crying and please..." She drifted off to sleep before she could finish.

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Malachi rolled over and tried to rearrange his cloak to cover more of his body. It sure got cold out here in the fields at night. He had fallen asleep shortly after eating his sparse supper, but the frigid air woke him up and made it impossible to get comfortable again. He heard a sound nearby and stiffened, ready for anything. What was out there in the dark? A lion? A hungry bear perhaps? Malachi groped around for his staff and gripped it tightly, preparing to jump up and fight. He slowly raised his head and stared out into the darkness. There was the sound again! Something was moving out there. His heart pounding in his ears, Malachi slowly stood up and lifted his staff to throw it at the monster he was sure lurked nearby.

"Hey, kid," a gruff voice startled Malachi. It was the night watchman who had been sitting a few feet away from Malachi watching his preparations for a fight with an amused grin on his face. "Kid, go back to sleep. It's just the sheep you hear. Just the sheep."

Malachi quickly lowered his staff. So maybe it wasn't a wild beast this time, but who's to say what was roaming around in the night? He held his staff under his cloak as he lay down again. "I need to be ready for whatever happens tonight." He rested his head on the ground, determined to stay awake the rest of the night, but eventually even the cold couldn't keep his drowsy eyes from slowly shutting. His gentle snoring drifted on the wind to the old watchman as he sat with a small smile on his lips.

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Lily bolted upright. Something had woken her up, but she couldn't figure out what. Everything was dark and for a moment she forgot where she was. Zoe started whimpering beside her and she quickly put her hand on her little sister's back to comfort her. Suddenly, a cry shattered the silence. Was someone in trouble? What was happening?

Another cry. It sounded like a woman. Then Lily remembered. The woman in labor! Was she having the baby now? Was she okay? Lily realized Zoe was awake and sitting up next to her. "Lily, what's happening?"

"Shhh," Lily shushed Zoe and whispered, "Everything is going to be okay.  A baby is being born. Right now."

A rustling sound told Lily that Evangeline was also awake and listening intently. The three girls sat in the dark, fetid stable and listened to the scared young woman weeping and moaning. Evangeline crawled over to Lily and Zoe and whispered, "I'm going to get closer. I want to see if she's okay." Lily wasn't so sure this was a good idea, but she found Zoe's hand in the dark and half crawled, half walked over to where the man was kneeling beside the pregnant woman.

Someone had brought a lantern and set it next to the woman's feet. The flickering light cast strange shadows on the walls and glinted off the man's forehead which was flecked with sweat. His cheeks and nose were streaked with dirt and his brows were furrowed deeply. A grimace showed on his face every time the woman groaned. Lily stared at his eyes and realized that he, too, felt every pain that this woman felt and the tears on her flushed face were like torture for him. Lily saw how tightly he held her hand. It was all he could do.

Evangeline's eyes widened as she saw the woman shut hers again. She wasn't breathing and her teeth were clenched with effort. Suddenly, her head fell back onto the pillow of disheveled rags. Her face softened as she gasped and breathed deeply. Before the girls had a chance to worry if something was wrong, they heard the most beautiful sound their ears had ever known. A baby crying. The man, almost prostrate on the hard ground, was holding in his dirt-stained hands a baby, wet , bloodied and crying. The child stretched his arms wide as he filled his lungs with newly discovered air and let out the scream that only a newborn can make. The woman held her own arms out as the man breathlessly laid the child on her chest.

"Why are you crying, Lily?" Zoe whispered as she saw her sister's tearful face in the lamplight. Lily smiled and held her little sister close. "I don't know why, Zoe." The three girls looked at each other. They had never seen anything like this before. And somehow they knew they would never see anything quite so beautiful again.

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He was dreaming. Malachi saw in his dream a lamb, the whitest lamb he had ever seen. The lamb kept getting whiter and brighter and started to glow. It was so bright, that even in his dream, Malachi threw up his hands to cover his face. All of a sudden there was light everywhere. Malachi jerked awake, his eyes looking wildly about him. The sky was on fire! No, wait- no flames, just light. What was going on? All around him, the other shepherds were awake and staring up, wide-eyed, at the bright sky, trembling in fear. Malachi looked up, too. He had never been more afraid in his life. Suddenly, a man appeared, standing in the middle of their camp. But was it a man? His clothes were glowing bright as sunlight and his face- Malachi found he couldn't look at the shining face of this mysterious man. The man spoke.

"Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.  And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly, the sky exploded. Malachi covered his eyes and wished his father was near. And then he heard voices, hundreds of voices, all shouting,

"Glory to God in the highest,  and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!"

Malachi looked up and his eyes widened in wonder. All around him there were bright men standing in the field, their clothes glowing, their voices shattering the silent night. The words that were streaming from their mouths were praises, all praises. Malachi felt his chest expand. He wanted to join them. He wanted to shout these unknown words into the sky just as they were. He stood up, his staff  lying forgotten on the ground. He raised his hands.

The glowing men shouted again and just as quickly as they had come, they were gone. Malachi saw them lifting off the ground, held up by nothing, flying heavenward. He watched them until he couldn't see even a glimmer of light shining down from them. He looked around at the camp. The shepherds were huddled, talking excitedly. "Did you hear that?" "What do you suppose it means?" "What has the LORD shown us?"

One man stood up and shouted over the noise, "Listen to me! We must go and see this thing that Yahweh has made known to us. We must go into Bethlehem and see this child."

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Zoe couldn't take her eyes off of him. This was the cutest baby she had ever seen. She watched him cry and watched his daddy try to comfort him. His mommy was still lying on the ground. She looked so tired. And she was a mess. There was mud, hay, and blood all mixed on the ground around her. Zoe felt bad for her. She tugged on Lily's arm. "Lily, can't we help her?"

"Um, maybe I should try to hold the baby so his father can help the mother get cleaned up." Lily started to stand up, but Evangeline stopped her. "Wait a minute. Look what his father is doing."

The man was gathering up bits of cloth from the ground and tore off a few strips from his own tunic. He started wrapping them around the baby, pressing the child's arms close to his body and making the cloths as snug as he could. He lifted his eyes and looked around the stable. There, next to the exhausted, but joyful woman he saw the cow's feeding trough, full with the hay that had been placed there earlier that day. The father gently laid his infant son in the manger. He reached his rough hand and softly touched the baby's cheek. He turned to the child's mother and smiled down on her. She raised her shaking hand up to touch the manger where her newborn son now slept.

She stroked the rough wood. Her weary eyes were almost shut with exhaustion, but a small smile rested on her face. As she drifted into a healing sleep one word came, whispered, out of her mouth,

"Jesus."

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The three girls knew it was no use trying to go back to sleep so they crept outside the stable to quietly discuss everything they had seen. They spoke in hushed tones so as to not wake the new baby or his tired mother.  They heard a commotion from in front of the inn and looked up to see what was going on. There was a group of filthy men quickly making their way toward the stable.

"Who are they?" Zoe asked.

Lily noticed their shabby clothes and unkempt beards and hair. "I think they're shepherds, Zoe. Quick, let's get back inside the stable. They don't look like nice people, do they? I don't think I want them to see us."

The girls quickly got up and hurried back to where Evangeline's parents still slept. The noise from the shepherds got louder and soon the whole crowd was right outside the stable door. Evangeline whispered angrily, "They're going to wake up the baby!"

But, as if on cue, the whole assembly of ragged men became silent. The shepherds walked quietly into the stable and carefully made their way past the huddling girls to the back of the stable where the baby slept soundly. As the group walked past, a young shepherd boy turned his head and noticed the girls cowering in the shadows. He smiled at them. "Hey," he said, "can I ask you a question?"

Evangeline spoke up, "Sure. What do you want to know?"

"Well, it's like this," the boy began, "I am Malachi, of the house of Joshua, the shepherd. We were out in the field tonight and, well, something happened.  I can't explain it, but I think the LORD told us to come to this stable. I think we're supposed to see a baby or something."

The girls looked at each other, wide-eyed and speechless. Lily found her voice, "How is this possible? Who is this baby?" Malachi saw the wonder on the girls' faces and asked, "What happened here tonight?"

Silently, all three girls pointed toward the cow trough in the back of the stable.

Malachi turned and saw the man and woman, sitting on the ground and there, lying in a manger, was the child that the gloriously shining man had told him about. Malachi didn't understand this. What was so special about a little baby? What were the words that had shattered his sleep tonight? 

"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord."

This was the Christ? The Savior? This baby was going to save them all?

Malachi looked again at the newborn face, surrounded by hay and the smell of manure. "How can this be?" he wondered. He felt something catch in his throat and a strange feeling started to grow in his chest. He felt lighter, braver. What was this feeling? He closed his eyes. Ah, yes, it was hope.

He sank to his knees.

Beside him, Zoe knelt down. Her eyes were locked on the baby. She didn't want to look away or even blink. She didn't know who this baby was, but she knew one thing for certain, she loved him.

Lily slowly lowered herself down, not wanting to disturb the moment. She saw the look on Malachi's face and she knew there was more to this story that she hadn't yet heard. She wanted to hear it all. She wanted to know everything there was to know about this special child. She didn't understand it, but somehow she knew, without a doubt, that this child would change her life. Somehow he already had.

"For to us a child is born,  to us a son is given..." Evangeline whispered the words before she realized she was saying them. It was something her father had often read to her from the Holy Scriptures. This child was a gift.  A gift to them. As she looked across the crowd of kneeling shepherds, she too sank down. "This child should be treated like a king," she thought, "Maybe he is a king." 

She heard the shepherds call this precious baby the Savior. She lifted her head to see the royal face again. His eyes fluttered open for a brief moment then closed again in blissful dreams. He seemed so fragile. His head looked downy soft; she wanted to stroke it. His hands, that had somehow worked free of the cloths that wrapped him, were delicate, clenched into tiny fists. Could this tender head wear a crown fit for a king? Could these frail hands really save anyone?

The children looked at each other, each seeing the amazement on the others' faces. One by one, they all turned back to see the baby. He slept on, unaware of all the attention he was getting. They knew, in their hearts, that tonight the world had changed. It didn't make any sense. None of them understood the mystery sleeping before them in a manger full of hay. But they didn't need to understand.

They bowed their heads and worshiped.